


Always On My Mind

by TMar



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 17:11:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17104721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TMar/pseuds/TMar
Summary: When the Enterprise crew thinks Doctor Crusher has been killed, things don't go very smoothly with some of them.





	Always On My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in June 1992. I'm a bit allergic to using songs in fic, so I've cut out as much of the song as I could get away with.

Always On My Mind

Captain Jean-Luc Picard, commander of the Starship Enterprise, stared at his Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Selar of Vulcan, as she worked in Sickbay, and then stepped away and continued down the corridor. He didn't notice that his Counselor, Deanna Troi, was not far behind him, and she had concern written all over her lovely features. But the captain had told her NOT to talk to him, to just leave him alone. So Deanna did, but she was never far away.

As Deanna stepped past Sickbay, the Vulcan doctor called to her. "Deanna!"

"Yes?" Deanna liked Selar a lot.

"He was here again, wasn't he? I felt his presence, even though my back was turned."

Troi nodded. "He was here again."

"I realise that his behaviour is logical to humans, and perhaps understandable even from a Vulcan perspective, but..." she trailed off.

"But it's been three months already," Deanna concluded for her.

"Exactly."

"I don't know, Selar," said the empath. "If they had settled things between them, if Wesley hadn't said those things to his father... but the captain can't let go. He continues to torture himself for something he could not have prevented."

"I suspect that he tortured himself every day for Jack Crusher's death, now when you add his wife to the list, the captain must feel like a murderer."

"I picked up a thought from him the other day: 'body-count'. It's the Crusher body count. He really believes that it was all his doing."

"That's illogical," said Selar needlessly. "Still, if they had found some trace of her body..." Selar's eyebrows arched, Vulcan fashion.

"Then he could let go."

"Yes."

"Perhaps."

The two women worried about Picard, who commanded the ship well, but who seemed to be falling apart whenever he wasn't on the bridge. Neither of them could know, of course, that it was in Picard's nature to blame himself whenever things went wrong.

***

Wesley Crusher sat idly in his quarters, wondering why he was despondent again. Ever since he'd said those things to Picard and been banished from the bridge, he'd been this way. He didn't get in on the action, and he didn't get to see his father.

The last hurt Wesley more than any of the other, but he knew it was his own fault. He should never have used the words 'body-count' that day; he knew that Picard would never get over it. He knew that Picard had tried to send him off the ship, to Earth, to Jack's family, but he'd found out in time and stopped it by sending one little transmission to Starfleet Command.

That transmission had been the holographic message his mother had left for him and the captain. Starfleet Command, after viewing the message, had decided that there were no grounds for sending the young ensign to the Crusher family, and had said that he should stay with his father.

His FATHER. It had all been on Beverly Crusher's message disc - they had seen it, and said nothing, but somehow, within fifteen minutes, the crew knew. And it had been, "Wesley, where's your father?" And "Captain, is your son on duty today?" and so forth. They had stopped that the day Picard had ordered Wesley off the bridge. Now, no one said anything about Jean-Luc Picard to him, and he was sure that no one mentioned him to Picard, either.

Well, enough. Wesley went in search of Picard, determined to fix things once and for all. They did love each other; this he knew.

Wesley walked in to a very crowded Ten Forward, where some sort of singing competition was taking place. The ensign was amazed to see Picard sitting there, a ghost of a smile on his face.

Picard had been roped in as a judge by Deanna Troi, who had asked him the question when he'd been distracted, and he'd agreed without knowing what he was agreeing to. Then, of course, no one would let him back out.

Worf was at present singing some kind of screechingly terrible song, looking as if he was having the time of his life. After listening carefully for a while, Wesley recognized the song as Klingon opera. There really were hidden depths to Worf. He saw Picard idly marking the scores on his PADD, looking bored.

Then Geordi came on, and began to sing some kind of ballad, which sounded vaguely Earth-like, but probably wasn't. Other crewmembers came and went, and Wesley found himself enjoying himself, but he could see that his father wasn't. Finally, Riker took the stage, to much whistling from the female contingent of the audience.

Riker, looking mischievous as always, began by saying, "This is an old, old song... but I'm sure the women will love it." Wesley could see Riker looking evilly at Deanna, who shot him an 'I'll-get-you-for-that-one' look, and smiled back just as evilly.

Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have   
Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have   
Little things I should have said and done,  
I just never took the time,

You were always on my mind... you were always on my mind.

Wesley thought the song was beautiful, and Riker sang it in that suave-yet-tender way that he had that made the women go insane. Then Wesley turned his head, ana saw his father. Picard no longer looked bored and irritated; he was looking down, sideways, anywhere but into people's eyes.

Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times   
And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine...

Picard had been looking at Riker, but then Riker's eyes had caught his eye. Without even pondering it for a second, Picard had thought that they were blue like Beverly's. And then it all came rushing back, and he heard the words of the song very, very clearly.

If I made you feel second best,  
Girl, I'm so sorry, I was blind  
You were always on my mind... you were always on my mind.

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died   
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied.  
Little things I should have said and done I just never took the time

You were always on my mind... you were always on my mind.

Picard closed his eyes, hoping the tears wouldn't come, but they did. He kept his face perfectly still, but inside the emotions were struggling to get out. It wasn't only grief that Beverly was gone; it was also the fact that he'd loved her, and never told her, never shown her. And his son - his SON! - had blamed him for her death, had burst out with it on the bridge, of all places.

Picard hadn't thought he could ever forgive Wesley for that, but he knew that the young man's pain had probably been worse than his own, and he'd needed to release it. He couldn't leave Wesley on the Engineering deck forever.

Suddenly, Picard had the blinding need to hear Beverly's message again, to hear her tell him about her love for him, about their son. Without acknowledging anyone, Picard suddenly left Ten Forward and went to Holodeck Two.

Wesley saw the captain leave, as did everyone else, but the others merely looked at each other, clearly sympathising with the captain, and stayed where they were. Not so Wesley - he charged out of the room after his father.

Outside the Holodeck, Picard said, "Run Crusher Three."

"You may enter when ready."

The doors opened to a soft scene on Earth... a glade somewhere in Europe. Beverly Crusher stood in the middle of it. When he came in and the doors closed, she moved towards him and began, "Jean-Luc... Wesley. I'm sorry that this had to happen now, before the two of you had grown as close as I wanted, but there are some things I want to tell you both.

"Jean-Luc: I know I had plenty of chances to say this before, but I guess I thought it would sort itself out eventually. The fact that you're here now, listening to this, means that it didn't. I've always loved you, Jean-Luc. I never blamed you for Jack's death. I joined this ship to be near you, then when it got too much to bear, I left. But I discovered I couldn't live without you... I just hope that you can live without me." 

The Holodeck doors opened, and Wesley came in, to stand just behind Picard. Picard didn't even turn. "Goodbye, Jean-Luc. Remember me.

"Wesley, I know you will grow up to be an excellent Starfleet officer. Try to listen more to the captain, and learn from his example. I want you to know... Jack and I loved you very much. We wanted to be good parents, but it doesn't look like I'm getting my chance after all. Wesley, remember that I love you, and that, no matter what you do, I'll always be proud of you.

And now... I want to tell you something I've kept hidden for eighteen years. Wesley - I know that you loved Jack Crusher, that he loved you, and I was happy about that. But he isn't your father. Jean-Luc, the reason I'm standing here, now, in this setting, is because this is where it all happened. You are Wesley's father. Jack knew about it, but we both decided not to tell you, because you needed freedom to be all you could be. I brought you two together, now, because you're going to need each other now that I'm gone. I hope that someday you will come to love each other as father and son... if not, try to be friends. Remember I love you both."

Beverly faded away and the scene disappeared. Picard and Wesley didn't move. Finally, Picard said, "Wes... I'm sorry that I ordered you off the bridge. I should have understood your grief... all I could think about was my own."

"I understand, Sir. I apologise for the things I said. I didn't mean them." When Wesley said that, Picard turned and looked at him. "I think it's time we said everything we've always known we should say."

"Did you love my mother?"

"Yes."

"What about when she married my... when she married Jack Crusher?"

"Yes." At Wesley's look, Picard felt bound to explain. "She left me, you know, not the other way round. She knew my goals, and she didn't want to get in the way." He smiled faintly. 

"Were they married... you know." Wesley couldn't bring himself to ask the question directly, but he didn't need to, Picard knew what he meant. 

"When... you... happened?" Wesley nodded, not looking up. "Yes. Jack and I came home on vacation, and we came to the glade here in... I think it's Spain. We all went to sightsee, but your mother came back early, and so did I. And then we started to talk about things, and..."

Wesley interrupted, saying, "I understand."

"Do you, Wesley? Do you really?"

"Yeah. I've always known my mother loved you; a person would have to be blind not to realise it. But I never knew how you felt about her, I guess I always wished she'd forget you if you didn't love her."

''I do love her, Wesley."

Wesley smiled. "I guess I always knew that, too. I just had to be sure."

And then the conrn panel chimed. "Riker to Picard."

"Go ahead, Number One."

"Orders from Starfleet Command on secure channel, Sir."

"On my way."

"Captain Picard, you are to rendezvous with the Hood and pick up a Romulan prisoner for transport to Janus VI."

"A Romulan prisoner?"

"An informant, actually. Classified as a prisoner for security purposes. He has information about that new Romulan weapon we managed to duplicate. He knows how to neutralize it."

"The Romulan weapon we encountered at Gamma Trianguli VIII?" That was a sore point with Picard, for that was where Beverly Crusher had died.

"Yes. We'll need a mineral found on Janus as a component of the neutralizer. The Hortas can excrete just the right percentage of compounds we'll need."

"Very well, Sir."

"Starfleet out."

When Picard came back onto the bridge, Riker and the rest of the bridge crew -including Wesley, who'd followed Picard - looked at him in pure curiosity. "We're to rendezvous with the Hood. They have information about that Romulan weapon we encountered at Gamma Trianguli VIII." It was all he was allowed to say.

"That's where Dr. Crusher died, isn't it, Sir?" asked one of the ensigns.

Picard nodded.

"What exactly happened?" asked Wesley. "What kind of weapon was it?"

"We're not exactly sure," answered Riker. "Your mother and her team were on the planet with the survivors of that shuttle crash, when we observed a Romulan warbird decloak. All I remember is a bright flash, and we were thrown five thousand kilometres from our orbiting position. When we returned, the ship was gone, and so were the survivors... and your mother and her team."

"And you didn't find any bodies." It wasn't a question.

"The damage was too extensive on the planet. Everything was completely wiped out. If our shields hadn't snapped on, we would have been killed too."

Wesley sighed. "But we did get that weapons technology."

"Yes, which is why there haven't been any more attacks. It's a balance of power, like we've always just managed with the Romulans."

"And now?"

"Now... we go get this Romulan prisoner."

"Understood, Sir." Wesley turned to leave the bridge, but Picard stopped him. 

"No. Wesley... take the conn."

"Sir?"

"You heard me."

Wesley's face lit up, illuminating the bridge. Everyone smiled with him - he deserved to be on the bridge; he'd earned his way onto it. "Thank you, Sir."

Picard only smiled slightly, and left the bridge.

Picard was talking with Guinan in Ten Forward when the ship arrived at the rendezvous point. "Riker to Picard."

"Yes, Number One."

"Sir, Captain DeSoto is on his way over from the Hood. He's bringing the prisoner."

"Acknowledged, on my way."

When Picard arrived in the transporter room, Robert DeSoto was already there with the Romulan and two of his own security guards. Riker and Worf and their own contingent were there as well.

"Well, Jean-Luc, how's things?"

"Just fine, Robert," smiled Jean-Luc. "I take it this is the prisoner."

"Yes. Tordok." The man answered for himself.

"Mr. Worf, escort the prisoner to the brig." Picard wished he didn't have to put this valuable informant in the brig, but it was necessary to keep up the pretense... for the man intended to 'escape' after he had given them the information, and go home to Romulus.

When Tordok had left, Riker excused himself to go and attend to other duties, and Robert filled Picard in on events. "You have to take him to Janus VI."

"Is that the only place where we can manufacture this compound we need, in this weapon defense?"

"No, but it will cut down on our time in getting the thing made. The Hortas can do it as a byproduct of their life functions. We'd need a least four months to synthesise it." 

"Let's just hope the Romulans don't have any silicon-based life forms on their side who can do it."

"Yeah. Now listen, Jean-Luc. This man purposely put himself in a position to get captured so that he could bring us this information. He didn't even tell his superiors what he'd discovered." J

"So we'll have an advantage if we can neutralize this weapon and the Romulans can't?"

"That's about it."

After they had resumed course to Janus VI, Picard lay in his quarters pondering the advantages of this new weapons neutralizer. His door chimed, and in walked Wesley Crusher. 

"What is it, Wesley?"

"I want to thank you for letting me back on the bridge, Sir."

"It's all right. I was unfair in ordering you off in the first place. I did it, partly because you were insubordinate, but mostly because looking at you reminded me of your mother... and of my best friend."

"Who?"

"Jack. You were right - I did feel like I killed them both. I made the decision that let your... that let Jack die, and I allowed your mother to beam down to the planet when I knew it was the Romulans who had attacked that passenger shuttle."

"Those people needed help, Sir."

"I know. Guilt is an irrational thing, Wes. You should know."

"I guess."

Just then, Riker interrupted. "Bridge to Picard."

"Go ahead." 

"Distress signal from Galorndon Core, Sir."

"Genuine?"

"We think so, Sir," came Worf's tones. "We won't be sure until we're much closer."

"No other ships in this sector?"

"No, Sir."

"Very well, set a course. I'm on my way." Picard turned and looked at Wesley. "Did I ever tell you how pleased I am that you're my son?"

"No, Sir."

"Consider yourself told," said Picard, and made his exit, leaving Wesley shaking his head, and smiling happily.

They got closer to the planet, and of course closer to Romulan space. "I don't like this," said Riker finally. "It seems a little too convenient that a Federation ship would be in distress near the Neutral Zone just when we have a Romulan prisoner on board."

"I agree with you, Number One. But I don't see any alternative, do you?"

"No, Sir." Riker looked quite irritated with whatever ship it was that had managed to get itself into distress in the one sector of space that they avoided if possible.

"Approaching Galorndon Core, Captain."

"Any sign of the ship, Mr Data?"

"Negative, Sir."

"Try a standard search pattern."

"I think we've been had," said Riker.

"I agree," put in Worf. "Recommend we leave this sector now."

"Not so fast, gentlemen. I agree with you, but we must be sure. Mr Data, initiate search pattern."

"Aye, Sir."

They began the pattern, but it was clear to all of them that this was some Romulan trick. After fifteen minutes of searching, Picard had had enough. "Reverse course, Mr Data. Let's get out of here."

"Reversing course..." And then Data didn't get any further because a Romulan warbird decloaked just in front of them.

"Evasive!" ordered Riker.

The ship turned, only to be blocked by another warbird, and the bridge crew stared as yet another Romulan ship decloaked off their starboard side. "Oops," said Riker, stating it for all of them.

"Open hailing frequencies, Mr Worf," said Picard. "It's still our space." Worf looked stricken at this order, but he complied. An unknown Romulan appeared on the viewscreen.

"I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. Your presence here is an act of war."

"No, Captain. Your holding a Romulan citizen is."

"I don't recall broadcasting anything about a prisoner over subspace," said Picard, trying to stall for time.

"Never mind how we knew, we know. We demand that you return him to us, or we will destroy you."

"Then you won't get him back, will you?"

"Then it won't matter, Captain. You have five minutes," and the viewscreen returned to a forward view.

"Mr. Worf, bring the prisoner to my Ready Room," said Picard.

"Aye, Sir."

Riker looked about to protest, but one look from the captain stopped him. The Romulan was brought to the bridge, then Picard ordered everyone out of his Ready Room. He got right to the point. "Did you arrange this?"

"This... rescue."

"No, Captain. I can only assume that my people found out about my being on this ship through some leak in Starfleet, and decided to attempt a rescue."

"We obviously can't send you back."

"Captain, let me ask this: do you believe in having an advantage over us, or keeping the balance of power?"

"No one wants peace through force," mused Picard, "so I must say the balance of power is the only way for it to work."

"Here." Tordok handed an isolinear chip to Picard. 

Picard studied it. "What is this?"

"It's all the information you need on the weapons neutralizer."

Picard looked at the chip, then back at Tordok. "It could work."

"It has to, Captain. When I get back I can tell my people that I stole the information from you. We'll both have it, if my people can get the element we need. Once we do, the weapon will be obsolete."

Picard knew there was no time to clear it through Starfleet Command. He could send Tordok back without loss of life, and he wouldn't be harming the Federation by doing it. "Make it so," he nodded to the Romulan, then called Worf in.

"Open. Commander, I regret that we cannot turn him over to you. What guarantee do we have that you will not blow our ship up once you have what you want?"

The Romulan commander, needing Tordok's information, had to do something. "As a gesture of our, shall we say, good faith, we will release to you a Federation citizen we took prisoner three months ago. We will beam this person over to you first, and then you will beam Tordok to us. Then we will all leave peacefully."

"You will leave peacefully. It's our space," said Picard.

"Do you agree?" asked the Romulan.

"Yes."

"What?" Riker almost yelled. "Captain, he has information we need."

Picard turned his back to the viewscreen, and quickly handed the chip to his first officer, who looked dumbfounded for a minute, then smiled when it dawned on him what was on the chip.

"We agree, Commander," Picard went on, turning back to the screen.

"In... one minute, your citizen will be on board," said the Romulan.

"Mr Worf, supply coordinates."

"Aye, Sir."

They marched Tordok to Transporter Room Three.

Picard, still on the bridge, came over the comm panel. "Is our citizen on board, Mr O'Brien?" He felt O'Brien hesitate. "Mr O'Brien?"

"Er...yes, Sir."

"Then beam our guest over to the Romulan ship."

"Aye, Sir," said O'Brien, sounding distracted.

Picard knew when it had happened, because, while he watched the screen, the three warbirds turned and headed in the direction of the Romulan Empire before disappearing. "Well," said Picard to no one in particular, "I think I'll go down and see who the Romulans have returned to us."

"No need, Captain," said Riker, stepping out of the turboiift. Behind him came the Romulans' prisoner. Picard thought his eyes were deceiving ‘ him. "Beverly?"

"Hullo, Jean-Luc." Her smile was weak, her hair was short (cut to Romulan ideas of aesthetics), and she was in a Romulan uniform, but it was still Beverly Crusher.

"Mom!" shouted Wesley and rushed forward to embrace his mother.

"Wes? Oh, Wes!" She hugged her son fiercely, then turned to Picard. "I'm back, Jean-Luc."

"Beverly," was all the captain could get out. He hesitantly stepped closer, then enfolded her in a hug. "Beverly." Then, in a complete breach of his own discipline, Picard kissed Crusher on the bridge of his ship.

Suddenly noticing the stares (not that the crew hadn't expected something of the sort), Picard let her go. "I'm sure the doctor would like to freshen up before she tells us what happened," he said. "Doctor?"

"Thanks." Crusher left the bridge, and Picard summoned Selar to give Beverly the once-over. Then he turned back to his crew, who all had really stupid grins on their faces (except Data, of course). And he smiled, and looked at his son, who smiled back just as happily. And, breaching discipline yet again, Picard stepped forward and hugged Wesley. "You're excused, Mr Crusher," he said.

"Thank you, Sir," said Wesley, and rushed from the bridge. 

Wesley went straight into the quarters he'd shared with his mother. "Mom?"

"I'm here, Wes." She came out of the bathroom in a robe, brushing her wet hair, and hugged him again. "Oh, Wes, I'm glad to see you."

"Mom, I know about... I know who my real father is."

Beverly looked surprised. "You watched the disc? You thought I was dead?"

"Yeah." 

"I thought... they took us all."

"Everyone? From the planet's surface?"

"Yes. They beamed us up, then discharged some high-power weapon, l thought... you'd be looking for me."

We thought that weapon killed you."

"Oh, Wes, I'm so sorry."

"The captain loves you."

That threw her off. "What?"

"He loves you. He told me."

"Well..." Beverly consoled her son. "We'll take that one step at a time. Now get out of here while I replicate myself a uniform!"

***

"So that's the story, Sir. The other prisoners must still be aboard the ships, or being held on Romulus." Beverly was telling them exactly what had happened to her since that day three months before.

"We have to get them back," said Riker unnecessarily.

"We'll inform Starfleet," said Picard. "If they're in Romulan space, this will have to be solved through some method other than a direct one."

"We went after Ambassador Spock," Riker reminded him.

"Yes, we did. But the Romulans weren't sure of his being there. They'll have security on any prisoners. If we can find out exactly where they're being held, that might be a different story."

"So it's out of our hands for now?"

"Yes. I suspect Starfleet will work out some kind of... exchange."

"I think you're right," his first officer said.

"Thank you, everyone. Dismissed."

Later, Picard and Wesley had dinner with Crusher in Picard's quarters. She was smiling broadly at both of them. Finally Picard said, "What?"

"I was just thinking... how things sometimes turn out. I never thought you two would find out, and yet. here we are."

"I'm glad you told us," said Picard.

"Me, too," was Wesley's response. "And I discovered that I love my father very much."

"I love your father very much," said Beverly, testing Picard.

But Picard didn't even flinch. He turned to Wesley. "And I love your mother very, very much."

Beverly turned surprised blue eyes on him, and he stared back. The entire atmosphere changed, and Wesley could tell. He got up. "Uhh... I promised Geordi I'd help him with those Level Three Diagnostics he wants to run." And Wesley made a very quick exit.

Still sitting staring into Beverly's eyes, Picard told her of his feelings when he'd thought she was dead, how he'd blamed himself, what had happened between him and Wesley...

And Beverly just smiled at him and said, "But you sorted it out, I see." 

"Yes."

"Good. Then consider that chapter over. Turn the page, start a new one." 

"I'd like to very much."

Picard got up, said, "Computer, run song 42," and Riker's voice, accompanied by some very fine Enterprise musicians, rang out in Picard's quarters.

Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have...

Picard stood up, went around the table, and offered Beverly his hand. She hesitantly took it, her eyes never leaving his. When she stood up, Picard gently touched her cheeks, bringing his mouth to hers, ever so carefully... 

Little things I should have said and done...

Beverly gave in to the kiss, not quite believing that this was happening. It was all warmth and softness, and so, so different from the time in the glade all those years ago. She'd forgotten what it was like to be kissed by someone you loved, someone you knew, someone you had needed desperately, but never known it until that exact moment.

Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times,  
And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine...

When the kiss ended, Beverly stepped back, barely able to breathe properly. Picard only looked at her, not saying a word. He wouldn't let his three months of grief and guilt dictate what went on. It had to come from her...

"Beverly reached out and took his hand, placing it over her heart. "I'm alive, Jean-Luc, I'm here. Can you feel me?"

Picard made two attempts before getting the words out. "Yes... yes."

"It's all right," she said, "it's all right."

Slowly, the captain reached out and undid the doctor's uniform, pulling it off, ignoring where it fell, so mesmerised was he by what he saw. Beverly wore only Starfleet-issue underwear, which didn't cover very much. Jean-Luc swallowed very, very hard, and looked into her eyes. "Beverly, I..."

"Yes, Jean-Luc?" She wasn't going to let him off the hook - she wanted to hear him say the words.

"I want to make love to you," he said.

The doctor smiled and reached out, pulling his uniform tunic off. Picard , could not stand so far from her one second longer, and he enfolded her in his arms, kissing her everywhere... He wanted to kiss every inch of her, know' every bit of her so completely that no memory of any other would remain. He wanted to blot out the world completely - to lose himself in the here and now... 

Beverly allowed the contact, believing more with every second that passed that this was meant to be, that the long separation had just been preparation for this... "Take me into the bedroom, Jean-Luc," she whispered, and, without hesitation, Picard picked her up and did so. 

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died  
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied

You were always on my mind... you were always on my mind.

THE END


End file.
